Where I am now...

It has been seven and a half months since Will was born and went to be the Lord. 

Where am I now in my grief? 

Here are the top 10 things to know about where I am in the grieving process.

1. Even though it has been seven and half months since Will's death, I am still very sad. I think about Will all the time. There are days that I feel so sad, that it is hard to get out of bed and get going (like today). There are other days that are much easier, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him numerous times a day. 
2. One common theme that is very noticeable between families that have lost a child is that we don't want people to forget our babies. Because I don't want people to forget about Will, I like to talk about him and I like for other people to talk about him. I like for people to ask about his story, if they do not know. I think about him all the time, so for someone to bring it up isn't going to shock me or throw me off. I personally think it is very thoughtful. 
3. The hardest question I get asked is, "How many children do you have?". This is also a common theme between people that have lost a child. I am figuring out what I am comfortable with and what is appropriate in the situation it is asked in. I talked to a mom that lost a baby girl seventeen years ago and she said to this day that this is the hardest question for her. 
4. Jess and I like to visit Will's grave. We find it comforting. We would welcome anyone that ever wanted to go there as well.
5. I am always looking for ways to honor Will and keep his memory alive. I have pictures up in my house, I wear jewelry that has his name on it, I have planted Sweet William flowers, ect. 
6. With all the Holidays coming up makes me sad. We are coming upon a lot of firsts - first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without him. I know exactly what age he would have been on Thanksgiving and Christmas. When you get pregnant, you make plans. You can't help but think of what those Holidays are going to look like with a ____ month old. 
7. It is hard for me to meet or make friends with new people that don't know we lost a child. First of all, it is hard anyway. Secondly, Will is a huge part of our lives. Do you tell them about him the first time you meet and if you don't when do you tell them? If you do tell them the first time you meet, will they think you are just trying to get attention, how will they react, and will they think you are being too personal with them too soon. Thankfully I am not alone in this feeling either. Very thankful to have numerous women I have come into contact with either through letters, emails, or face to face conversations that validate my feelings. God has truly used these women to minister to me.
8. I carry guilt around. Everyone tells me I shouldn't, but I do. With time I am sure I will work that all  out. 
9. Will was wrapped in a blue blanket when we held him as we said goodbye. I know exactly where that blanket is at all times.
10. I have not held a baby since Will was born. I can't do it and I am not sure when I will be able to again. It might not be until my next child, who knows. Yes, we want to have more children. I have baby fever very badly, but we will wait for God's timing (no we are not trying).  

Thanks for reading and letting me be transparent.

Love,

Rachel