Life of the Rainers

A Little Bit More "Final" & Elephant in the Room

Our third bedroom door in our house has pretty much stayed shut since we lost Will. It's too painful to see everything in Will's room (tubs of baby clothes, bassinet, swing, baby blankets, his newly purchased bedding, lamp, & shelves, blankets, all his "keepsakes" from the delivery and hospital.) I can go in there if I need to, but I don't chose to look or walk in there if I don't have to.

Yesterday Jess called to cancel Will's crib. We had been talking about it for about a week, but it didn't get done until yesterday. This was hard for me. I felt like it was a little bit more "final". They weren't going to let us do it, but then they asked Jess why we wanted to cancel the order. Jess briefly explained the situation and they agreed to make an exception. This week we are sending Will's baby bedding back. Another thing that is a little bit more "final". I know I will be faced with many more things that will make it all a little bit more "final". Honestly I don't like it all one bit.

One thing I have already noticed in the last few weeks is people shy away from you when they see you. I guess no one wants to make me sad so they ignore what happened to our baby, our sweet Will. Like the saying there is an elephant in the room. It makes things awkward (I guess there is a chance it could all be in my head.) I feel like unless you are one of my close friends or family most people don't want to talk about what happened. To be honest I don't mind talking about it or answering simple questions like "How are you doing?". There are times I might not be as open because I might be feeling emotional, but as a whole I am pretty open to talk about it. I will be candid here - I would rather there not be an elephant in the room and just ask us how we are doing and ask about Will if you don't know the entire story yet. At times it makes me feel like people have forgotten about Will. I don't want Will to ever be forgotten. He is and was a real person. He is our 2nd born son. We loved him so much! He is a part of us. Jess and I want to talk about Will. We want to share our story with others. We want to share how the Lord has given us grace, why we choose to follow Him, and how we are following Him.

Please don't take this last paragraph as me being upset. I am not at all, just letting you know my thoughts. I am SO incredibly thankful for everyone being so sweet and going over and beyond anything we expected to take care of us. This blog has turned into my journal so I will remember my thoughts and feelings during this time in our lives. Thought about making my blog private, what do you think?

Rachel