Learning

I do not by all means think I know all the answers when it comes to mothering. I actually think quite the opposite. I have many insecurities when it comes to mothering Canon. I do feel lately a lot of lights have been off lately and I am starting to "get" it a little. I have become much more laid back lately due to becoming more confident in my decisions even though this is still an area that needs growth.

Lately I feel like the Lord is showing me and teaching me lessons through being a mother.

Here are two things that have been brought to my attention as I have gone about my days being a mom.

Lesson #1

I have been discouraged lately about some of Canon's behaviors. He has regressed to biting and throwing his food again. I thought we were past these behaviors. He hadn't bit or thrown his food in months, but now it is almost a daily thing. The lesson isn't how I have figured out how to get him stop. The lesson is to stay patient and consistent. I was cleaning up food from the floor today while being frustrated and it hit me. How many times do I do this? Not throwing food or biting, but regressing into a behavior that is not appropriate. The Lord stays patient with me. This thought humbled me and has given me more patience to ride out the biting and throwing of food.

Lesson #2

Lately I have caught myself putting Canon down in front of others. Someone will say Canon is such a easy going child and my response sometimes is "yea he is but ......". How discouraging is that to say in front of Canon. I really dislike that. Ugh, it makes me angry at myself just thinking about it. If there is really an issue I need to not flippantly talk to someone about it, I need to save it to talk to a friend, Jess, or family in private about it. Please keep me accountable in this area. I am not against talking about issues with a friend in front of Canon just being careful with my words and not putting him down.

Any one have any thoughts about this?

Rachel

Traveling Tips

Jess, Canon, and I just got back from a trip to Phoenix. We had such a wonderful time. All of the Rainers were there, so we enjoyed spending time with family.

More on the trip and pictures to come.

I was a little nervous about the trip since we hadn't traveled far with Canon since he was smaller. We took lots of flights before Canon was mobile and spent many nights in a hotel, but hadn't lately. We also had a 4 hour flight that I was NOT looking forward too. I will have to say that Canon did AWESOME on the flight to and from. He was just great the entire trip.

Here are a few things that I took with us or did that made my life a little easier while being away.

1.) An activity bag - this special bag was full of new books, a new toy, stickers, snacks, paper and crayons, and a few favorite toys that C enjoys. I didn't let him see any of these things before we got on the flight. This was a hit! I made a big deal about the bag and as soon as he got disinterested in something I pulled something else out.

I also had two carry on bags, so I made sure to have everything we needed for Canon or me in one bag to store underneath my feet on the flight (so we wouldn't have to get up and down during the flight) - the activity bag, sippy cups, hand sanitizer, C's special blanket, lunch, a diaper, wipes, ect. Also I made sure I brought cheese, fresh blueberries, and grapes all cut up and ready to eat for C's lunch on the flight.

2.) Baggies - Snack, sandwich, quart, and gallon bags. The main reason I brought ziploc bags was to put food in them when we went out to eat or to put snacks in the them for Canon. I did not want Canon to just eat fries for a side (which he did have a few), so I knew I wanted to go to the grocery store when we got to Phoenix to buy cheese, fresh fruit, yogurt, milk, juice, ect. So the bags were so helpful when I wanted to throw some fresh fruit or cheese in them before we went out to eat. I used every single snack and sandwich bag I brought.

3.) Bottle Brush and Dish Soap - Wanted to make sure I could wash sippy cups, bowls, forks, spoons, or whatever needed to be cleaned.

4.) A Good Attitude! - I was a little anxious about this trip. I knew that Canon would most likely not sleep very well and that it was just going to be a busy trip. I prayed that it would be a great trip and that I would be easy going and have a good attitude. And I can tell you that the Lord answered all of those prayers. It was a great trip. Jess said I was more easy going than he was (if you know us personally you know Jess is the easy going one and I am the uptight one). I seriously had such a wonderful time hanging out with the Rainer family and getting to know my son more as he slept with us every night. :)

Will post picture and details of the trip soon!

Rachel

Four Years of Marriage

Our Anniversary

Jess and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary on June 2nd. We dropped Canon off at our friend's house and went out on the town. Not really, but we did go to a delicious Italian restaurant in Nashville and then went to grab dessert at another place. I enjoyed getting dressed up, I haven't done that in a while. We had a great time talking and just having some time to ourselves.

Jess gave me a sweet card and two new pandora beads for my bracelet. I love my pandora bracelet (he gave it to me for Valentine's Day right after Will passed away). I gave him a new CD he had been wanting and a book full of in home dates. You can find where I got the idea here. I filled the book in with 4 months worth of dates. We will be doing our in home dates on Wednesdays or Thursdays of every week. We actually started last night with a movie and our favorite ice cream. We will add to the book after the 4 months of dates are up. I just didn't want to fill the whole year up because we might want to do different things around the holidays, I wanted to be able to add to it later on.

Jess and I are really working on our marriage. We have found that losing a child can put a strain on your relationship (plus moving, having a toddler, and a new job), so we are really trying to be intentional about spending time together and being emotionally connected. I think the gift went over well and Jess really liked that I took the time to be creative.

I am so in love with Jess. He is such a wonderful man. He works so hard to provide for his family. He is such a wonderful father. He is so hands on with Canon and truly loves being with his son. He genuinely loves to make me happy which makes me very happy! :) He is such a Godly example to Canon and me.

Jess and I have been together for 7 years and I am just so thankful for him. On our anniversary I was thinking back to our wedding day. It was the most perfect day. It was everything I dreamed of and more! I was also thinking back to the gifts Jess gave to me on our wedding day.

My mom had met Jess that morning (wedding day) where my mom picked up the gifts. There was a binder of instructions. The first page had such a sweet note on it and each page after that had instructions on which gift to open when and a sweet note on why he chose the gift. The gifts were my favorite Sonic drink, a wedding day CD he had put together, a pair of real pearl earrings to take on our honeymoon, a "build a bear" wedding bear (this is when I lost it and bawled my eyes out and so was my mom), and another beautiful letter to me.

The story about the "build a bear" wedding bear.

First off Jess always got me stuffed animals for every occasion while dating. Anyway my mom and I had a running joke for years about "build a bear". When I was younger I loved stuffed animals (my mom just had me go through 5 trash bags full of them a few months ago), so when the "build a bear" stores opened up I always wanted to go make one, but wouldn't let myself. I told my mom that the guy I was going to marry would get me a "build a bear" bear. It was just this joke between us. I never told anyone else that (maybe my dad, but no friends or boyfriends). One boyfriend I had (before Jess) surprised me on a date and told me that before dinner we were going to "build a bear". So I of course got all excited and thought I am going to marry this guy (in all seriousness thank God I did not), but when we pulled up to the store it was randomly closed.

So anyway, Jess never knew about the "build a bear" and on my wedding day he gave me one! Doesn't God have a wonderful sense of humor and just knew what was important to me. It still makes me smile thinking about it. My mom and I were seriously in awe when I opened it up and were crying our eyes out.

I love how creative and thoughtful Jess is. I look forward to many more years together. Not years of just being together.

Rachel

Summer Days

Summer Days

I am so thankful summer is here and we have had so much sunshine lately!! Our family loves to be outside and if we can't get out there we all get a little cranky. We've been doing lots of fun things lately.

Here are some of things we've been up to:

- Swimming at the YMCA. Canon has no fear of the water (which is frightening). He absolutely loves being in the water. There is an outdoor pool and an indoor pool. He loves to go down the alligator slide in the indoor pool. I LOVE seeing his face light up when he is sliding down and I am there to catch him! One of my favorite sights right now!

- Trips to the zoo (posted about those trips already)

- Many morning walks on the greenway trail with Laura and Davis! Laura is a staff wife and they have a 2 year old son Davis. Davis and Canon are good buddies and Laura and I are good friends too!

- A trip to the the strawberry farm with Laura and Davis and Donna, Kristen, Jacklyn, and Kaitlyn (another staff family). It was a hot day, but Canon loved it! I would put a strawberry in the basket and he would eat it (stem and all) before I could say anything. I had to pick extra fast to keep the basket full. Canon would also pick the strawberries himself. I had to make sure he wasn't eating any rotten ones. The girls (Kristen, Jacklyn, and Kaitlyn) help us watch out for the boys. It was a great outing! We enjoyed eating all of the strawberries when we got home for the next few days!

- Lots of time playing with water outside. Canon loves to help me water the flowers which we have been having to do a lot lately since it has been so hot. Canon always gets drenched and has a good time playing with the water hose. We usually end with a popsicle on the porch.

- Lots of time with the water table and sand box. Laura and Davis have come over a few times to play too. It's nice because the boys can play while Laura and I talk.

Here are Canon and Davis enjoying a popsicle on a really hot day!

We have many more things planned this summer as well. We are wanting to go the fountains to play in the water and wanting to go pick blueberries. We are also going to Arizona and Florida this summer as well. I know there will also be more trips to the zoo (we have a membership), pool, and will have lots more outside time playing in the water!

I have really been enjoying getting out and doing things with Canon this summer. Canon has been getting to bed late a lot of evenings, but that is what summer is for right? I have been trying to do less work inside the house, so we can get outside and enjoy the beautiful weather!

What have you all been doing this summer?

Rachel

Zoo Trip #2

In mid May my sister in law and my niece Maggie came to Nashville for a visit. They stayed with us and it was so nice to spend time with them. I love that we are much closer now. We missed our sister in law Sarah and our nephew Nathaniel though. :(

On Wednesday we packed up the kids and headed to the zoo. Our mother in law met us there for a day full of fun! We had such a great time talking, seeing all the animals, riding the carousel, and riding the train! Canon loved the train. He is so into things that move right now especially trucks and trains! It was a wonderful day! Thanks Nellie Jo for treating us to the zoo. Erin and Maggie were supposed to go home Wed night, but they stayed another night due to expected bad storms where she lives. So we got take out, went shopping, got frozen yogurt, and watched the American Idol finale.

Here are a few pictures from the zoo. Sad I didn't get any pictures of my mother in law with the kids.

Canon with his conductor hat on from the train ride at the zoo.

Erin is also a runner as is her husband (Jess's brother). I have been wanting to get in shape and lose the rest of the baby weight from this last pregnancy, so she encouraged me to start running. She was pretty convincing, so now I am running. :) I am doing the couch potato to 5k running plan. I am now on week 2 and hope to run a 5k in August. Jess also likes to run, so we are planning on running it together while we push Canon in the jogging stroller. Jess has been so supportive and putting Canon down for bed 3+ nights a week so I can go running at the Y. It has felt so good to exercise not only for physical reasons, but for my mental and emotional well being.

Erin, thank you for visiting us! I had such a wonderful visit with you and Maggie!

Rachel

On second thought

On second thought

I grabbed my computer and thought how nice it would be to sit in bed after a run and a hot shower to document some of things we have been up to. As I was getting ready for bed so I could sit in bed to write/journal I all of a sudden got really sad (this happens often). We are leaving for a conference in a few days and that wasn't supposed to happen. We were "supposed" to have a newborn where it would have made it too difficult to travel with two little ones. Our lives were supposed to be different.

I made a promise to myself (mentally) about this blog after Will died and I promised to be transparent on my blog about Will's death since this is my journal. And I say I am tired of being brave, I am tired of being sad, I am just tired. I want Will to be here. I am tired of being reminded every time I walk by his room that he is not here and he never will be. I am tired of seeing a scar on me and being reminded what happened. Sometimes I feel like I can't let go of being sad because he won't feel as close to me. It's like I will have forgotten him. I know that is not true and I am feeding lies to myself, but it's hard.

It's been 4 months since Will has been gone. We've had wonderful moments in these past 4 months, but we've had some really sad ones too. Every time we do have a good moment or memory I can't help but think how much more wonderful they would have been with Will in the moment as well. When I look at family pictures of Jess, Canon, and me it just doesn't seem complete. I was putting some of Canon's books back on his shelves the other day and came across a few "big brother" books. I immediately felt so sad for Canon. We read these books to him often and he would pat my tummy when we asked him where his baby brother was. Canon is so sweet though. When we ask him where baby Will is now he points his chubby little pointer finger up to the sky. It melts our hearts every time.

I know things could be much worse and I am aware of that. I know people are going through worse things than we are, but this is what we know now and it's hard.

I know the Lord has a plan. I know the Lord will use our story. I know I have become a better mother to Canon through all of this. I know my faith has grown so much stronger. I know my feelings of sadness will get less intense at some point. I know Will is in the arms of Jesus. I do find great comfort in all these things, but I still miss my little boy.

I have to remind myself of this verse very often. I know I have posted it numerous times already. I should get this verse put on a sign or something so I can see it daily in my house.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:17-18

Please take time to pray for someone you know that has been through a really tough time in life, even if it has been months or even years. Let them know you prayed for them. I know it would mean the world to them that you remembered, thought, and prayed for them.

Rachel

Memphis Misfit Mama

I wrote a blog post for my friend's blog.

You can find it here.