On second thought

On second thought

I grabbed my computer and thought how nice it would be to sit in bed after a run and a hot shower to document some of things we have been up to. As I was getting ready for bed so I could sit in bed to write/journal I all of a sudden got really sad (this happens often). We are leaving for a conference in a few days and that wasn't supposed to happen. We were "supposed" to have a newborn where it would have made it too difficult to travel with two little ones. Our lives were supposed to be different.

I made a promise to myself (mentally) about this blog after Will died and I promised to be transparent on my blog about Will's death since this is my journal. And I say I am tired of being brave, I am tired of being sad, I am just tired. I want Will to be here. I am tired of being reminded every time I walk by his room that he is not here and he never will be. I am tired of seeing a scar on me and being reminded what happened. Sometimes I feel like I can't let go of being sad because he won't feel as close to me. It's like I will have forgotten him. I know that is not true and I am feeding lies to myself, but it's hard.

It's been 4 months since Will has been gone. We've had wonderful moments in these past 4 months, but we've had some really sad ones too. Every time we do have a good moment or memory I can't help but think how much more wonderful they would have been with Will in the moment as well. When I look at family pictures of Jess, Canon, and me it just doesn't seem complete. I was putting some of Canon's books back on his shelves the other day and came across a few "big brother" books. I immediately felt so sad for Canon. We read these books to him often and he would pat my tummy when we asked him where his baby brother was. Canon is so sweet though. When we ask him where baby Will is now he points his chubby little pointer finger up to the sky. It melts our hearts every time.

I know things could be much worse and I am aware of that. I know people are going through worse things than we are, but this is what we know now and it's hard.

I know the Lord has a plan. I know the Lord will use our story. I know I have become a better mother to Canon through all of this. I know my faith has grown so much stronger. I know my feelings of sadness will get less intense at some point. I know Will is in the arms of Jesus. I do find great comfort in all these things, but I still miss my little boy.

I have to remind myself of this verse very often. I know I have posted it numerous times already. I should get this verse put on a sign or something so I can see it daily in my house.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:17-18

Please take time to pray for someone you know that has been through a really tough time in life, even if it has been months or even years. Let them know you prayed for them. I know it would mean the world to them that you remembered, thought, and prayed for them.

Rachel