A battle

This past week has been a struggle for me. Some days I find it hard to find joy.

I feel that I have had a lot of opportunities to share about Will which I love, but it can bring out a lot of emotions too. I do love to share about Will any chance I get no matter what emotion it bring out.

Today I went to the cemetery by myself. I don't think I have been to the cemetery by myself in about 5 months. Since the beginning I have found it very helpful to go out to the cemetery and we go there often. I know Will is not there, but it just helps me. I have said this numerous times, it is such a peaceful and beautiful place. Also, from the very beginning I have always walked around the cemetery to see the graves. There is a pond there as well and I like to walk there too.

Today I just sat next to his grave site and just prayed and did a lot of thinking. I found myself wiping off his head stone and trying to make it as presentable as possible. Jess and I are always tidying up around his grave and we almost always bring fresh flowers. I also find myself tidying up other people's graces when I take my walks around the cemetery. If there is something knocked over or trash near I take care of it. I guess since Will isn't here for me to take care of, I feel this need to take care of the place where we go to remember and honor him. I still have this huge need to be taking care of him. Even after Will went to go be with the Lord I needed and wanted him to be nurtured. I know he didn't need that, but I needed Will to be nurtured. I remember both grandmas patting Will and rocking him and me swaying him in my arms while everyone had their moment with him even after he was gone.

I long for Will and would give anything to hold him again and tell him that I love him. I pray that the Lord continues to work in me and through me even when I find it hard. I pray I will find joy even in the little things when I feel very sad. It is a work in progress.

Rachel