Life of the Rainers

Out and About

Last Monday I had a 4 week check up with my doctor. We were hoping for a good report and thats what we got! So thankful! I didn't have a normal c-section (I had an extra cut vertically), so I was on a few restrictions. The dr. lifted all of those restrictions. I am feeling much better physically! Jess and I also had a lot of concerns, but the dr. gave us encouraging answers to all our questions!

Since last Monday I have been slowly getting back into full routine. It feels so good. At first I was really scared and anxious. It was weird, I had all these insecurities. It has felt so good to get out with Canon on run errands. Last night I cooked a "real" dinner for the first time. There are tough times too. Even though I am physically better I am still grieving. I think about Will all the time. I think about what life would be like if he were here.

Today I needed to go to Babies R Us to take a few things back. I was so busy getting myself and Canon ready I didn't really think about it being hard to be in Babies R Us. I walked in and started looking around and walked past these pacifiers that had names on them. For some reason my eye went to the pacifier that had the name William on it. My eyes immediately filled up with tears and my heart ached. All the baby towels, little onesies, and shoes were making me sad. I can't get away from the baby things because I still go shopping for Canon. All the newborn and 18 month clothes and shoes are in the same sections or on the same racks. Then as we were walking out my eye went straight to these water bottles that had names on them and the one with William on it was sitting right there. My heart ached again.

I had a good time looking for Canon, but I was ready to get out of there.

Yesterday a similar thing happened. Canon and I had gone to LifeWay to get a few things. I always put my keys down on the counter when I get home and there was an envelope laying there - It was William's social security card. Again, another blow in the stomach. My heart ached.

Life is going on, but our hearts are still grieving. I know even 5 years from now I will see things or have moments where it hits me hard.

I was reading in Philippians the other day and read verses that I have read 100 times before, but they really stuck out to me this particular time, especially verse 4. I can't get these verses out of my head. Every day I am reminded.

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phillippians 4:4-7

This is hard to do. Rejoice in the Lord always? This doesn't apply just when things are going well. This applies even when things are grim. This applies to me. This is hard. I am praying I will rejoice in the Lord always no matter what. My prayer is that I remember to rejoice in Him during the good days and the difficult days.

Rachel