Life of the Rainers

A broken record

I sound like a broken record these days. I have thanked people over and over for their prayers and encouragement day after day these past 10 days, but I mean it with all my heart! We are overwhelmed by the support we have been given. We are touched by all the prayers. God has used His people to help give us comfort. It's amazing how many people were and are praying for us that we don't even know. My dad and mom were supposed to fly to Florida Saturday and when he called to cancel their flight and hotel each person he talked to ask for my name so they could pray for us. Wow! Prayer chains have gone out all over and I stand amazed. I really do believe in prayer, even though the outcome wasn't at all what I would have chosen, God has protected us and continues to show us He is in control. We have to believe in his promises.

So many people have said they couldn't deal with what I have been dealt. I was one of those people 10 days ago that would have said the same thing. I am not at all trying to sound spiritual, so please don't take it that way. I worried all the time about something bad happening to me or my family and still do. I sobbed a few months ago when I read another mom's blog (have never met her) about losing her child. I thought about her all the time and my heart just ached for this person I didn't even know. I am here to tell you though, that you can handle devastation and heart ache if you truly are a follower of Christ and allow him to be in control. You have to, what other choice do you have. I am not sure how you could handle it if you are not a believer in Christ and chose not to follow him. I remember laying on the ultrasound table on Thursday hearing the news that our baby was most likely not going to make it. Inside I felt like I was dying and was about to lose control. I seriously wanted to get up and walk out before I had a break down. Jess grabbed my hand and I remember closing my eyes and just praying, it's all I could do before I lost it. I prayed the Lord would take over and be in control because I couldn't handle this on my own, I was desperate!! Immediately I calmed down and I kept my eyes closed and kept praying for a few minutes.

I am truly in awe of how much peace I have felt these last 10 days. Don't get me wrong, this has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I never thought I would be picking out a burial site, buying clothes to bury my precious child in, ordering flowers to put on his casket, or having to come home from the hospital empty handed and just feeling an emptiness and a desire to take care of Will when we walked through our front door (I still yearn to take care of him). It has been hard. I have trouble sleeping and don't want to be alone right now. I feel guilty that my life was spared and not Will's. I feel guilty I didn't go the doctor sooner. I feel guilty that I don't cry every second of every day. I feel guilty for laughing. I get sad when I walk by Will's room. I miss Will moving inside my belly. I get sad thinking about vacation this summer without him. I am sad for Canon that he will never know his little brother. I am sad for Jess because I hate seeing him hurt.

I know there are going to be some really hard days ahead and those days scare me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know God has allowed me the grace to get through today. I do ask for you to pray that Jess and I seek God everyday and that we don't become complacent.

So I will be a broken record again - Thank you for your prayers and encouragement! God has used you to minister to us in a way we will never forget.

Rachel

I will most likely continue to write frequently. Writing these blog posts are not at all to get attention or comments. These writings are to remember Will, my feelings, and it is therapeutic to me. I am not worried about grammar, punctuation, spelling, ect. These are my raw emotions and it feels right to me right now.