Well I thought I would be in bed by now since I am so tired from our trip and we have a busy Sunday ahead of us tomorrow, but my emotions had other plans. For some reason tonight I found myself going back through my blog and reading the posts I wrote after Will died. Wow, what raw emotions. I am so glad I wrote the entries, because quite frankly I don't want to forget. I can barely can see the screen because my tears are filling my eyes. I miss him and wish he were here.
My blog posts lately haven't been about Will, but that doesn't mean I don't think about him and miss him daily. I have gone weeks without crying, but then there are days at at time I feel weepy and my heart hurts deeply. I don't think a mother (or a father) ever gets over their desire to be with their child, at least I know I won't. I still wish I would have had more time with him. I wish I would have taken more pictures. I wish I would have sang to him after he was born. I wish I would have studied his features more. I wish Canon had his little brother around.
At the convention in New Orleans this past week (post to follow soon) a man that Jess and I did not know said he was so sorry for our loss and couldn't imagine losing a child. I held back tears the entire conversation. Here was this guy that we didn't even know and he was so thoughtful to bring up our son that we lost almost 17 months ago. He remembered and we got to talk about Will! People have moved on and they don't talk about Will as much because he is not here, but it is nice when people do bring him up because he is very much still a part of our daily lives.
Since it has been almost 17 months, I do feel more secure in my grieving. I allow myself to still grieve. I don't allow myself to feel pressured to "move on" like I used to think other people wanted me to. I do still struggle with how other people view it acceptable to talk about him in social settings. I struggle with people asking me how many children I have or how many pregnancies this is. Some things have gotten easier, but some things remain difficult.
The bottom line is I miss Will. I wish he were here. Jess and I are doing okay, but there are still some really hard moments and days. Very frequently we wonder what Will's personality would be, who he would look like now, what his relationship would be like with Canon, what his likes and dislikes would be, etc. He will always be our second child and we will always be grateful the Lord chose us to be his parents even though it was very brief.
1 comment:
Rachel I love everything you said. For me I still cry daily but this gives me hope that it will get easier. I think like you said our missing them will always be a part of our lives. I have struggled with telling people also but have decided to included Jonathan in our family number because I breakdown crying if I say five kids. It helps me to feel like he is validated by counting him. I can imagine that pregnancy would bring up a lot of emotions. I think thinking what might of been is the worse. I so imagined my Joseph and Jonathan being best friends doing everything together because they were so close in age. I am so thankful to read you blog about your sweet life and precious Will.
Post a Comment