What you can do to help

After we lost our son, Will at 28 weeks we were asked by several people how they could help and what they could do. At the time I didn't really know. There really isn't anything you can do to take the pain away from losing your baby. But as the days went on and after family left there were things that people could do to help. 

In the last few weeks we have had several friends and acquaintances lose their precious babies. I am so burdened for them because I know the deep pain that follows loss and the road they are walking down. Even though we lost Will, I don't have the words to say. I have been thinking of things that helped and encouraged me then and now and how I can minister to them. When I heard of these friends losing their babies, I have wanted to call their friends and family and tell them how they can help. I wish I would have known someone that had gone through the same thing right when I lost Will that could have walked me through and given me advice. Now I know numerous people that have lost a child and you immediately seem to have a connection and have the same feelings or experiences. I am very thankful for the people that have reached out to me that have experienced a loss of their own. 

Here are a few ways people ministered to us and how you can minister to those you love who have experienced the loss of their baby.

• Commit (and really commit) to praying for them and let them know.
• Send cards and/or flowers.
• Make a meal for them. If you do not live close, send them a gift card to a restaurant, so they can have take out. Thinking about meals should be the least of their concerns.
• Get a group of people together and clean their house or do yard work. The husband is usually trying to be the strong one and holding the family together. Helping the husband out will give him more time to be there for his wife and family. 
• Ask about the baby, if appropriate, what the baby looked like, the birth story, etc. 
• Acknowledge the loss of their sweet baby and call their baby by name. One of the most hurtful things is not saying a thing and ignoring what really happened. You don't need to say much. "I am sorry" is enough. 
• Let your family or friend know if their baby was brought to your mind. I have had numerous people tell me they thought of Will when they saw a pinwheel in a store or in a yard and how those pinwheels brought Will to mind. I absolutely love hearing that! It makes me feel like he is not forgotten by other people.
• Give them time to be with their family and do not feel offended if they don't call you back or hang out with you right away. They are trying to find their new normal and it can take a while. 
• Send them things that they could remember their baby by. A few examples: Someone made me a bracelet that had a charm with Will's name on it with his birth stone. Also, someone sent me a willow tree box that had note cards with "Remembering Will" on the cards. 
• Remember the siblings, they are hurting too. Someone brought Canon a new stuffed animal when they brought a meal over. 
• Offer to watch their other children.

What to do months after their loss:

• Send cards (even if it is 7 months later) letting them know you haven't forgotten. 
• Continue to pray. 
• Ask to bring a meal again. Even if it has been months after losing their child there are going to be numerous days they still don't feel like cooking. There is no time limit on grief. 
• Remember to acknowledge the loss of their baby.
• Be sensitive around Holidays.

Please know these are only suggestions (and not limited to) and you do not need to do all of these suggestions. I do not claim to be good about doing these things. I am working on being more intentional about ways to minister to others especially the ones that don't always fit my natural tendencies. Pray about the best way to reach your family or friend, but if anything please don't ignore their loss. Please understand this is a very difficult road and grief has no time limit. 

I would love to hear how you have ministered to a family during a loss or how you have been ministered to.